I recently read an article on marriage that suggested successful marriages are comprised of two healthy persons. Further, if either of the partners is less than healthy, then the marriage will suffer. I would like to offer an alternative view.
First, all of us come to marriage as fallen, somewhat dysfunctional human beings. All of us are sinners, inclined to act in our self-interest. Also, many of us come from dysfunctional and broken homes. This family dysfunction often becomes a generational dysfunction. Consider the way most children are reared. From birth they are given their own room, their own toys, their own clothes, etc. Children are never taught to share their lives. By the time they reach marriageable age, their selfishness is habituated. So, I am highly skeptical that any marriage is comprised of two emotionally healthy and mature adults. At least, I’ve never met such a couple.
Second, the ideal of a successful marriage tends to be the fairy tale “happily forever after.” Sorry, but that really is a fairy tale. The Christian view of marriage is clearly set forth in the traditional Anglican ceremony. Marriage is “for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Marital love is more than passion, more than mutual attraction, and more than happiness. The Christian concept of marriage is that love is a choice. In those unfortunate times of poverty and distress in marriage, we make the daily choice to love our spouse. When a spouse falls ill to disease, we choose to remain faithful and care for our ailing spouse.
Marriage is a state of grace. A man and woman present themselves to each other, and to God, and pledge to unconditionally love each other for the remainder of their lives. Unconditional love is a gracious choice. In the months before my sons were getting married, I pleaded with them: “Son, please don’t marry this young lady unless you can love her more than you love yourself.” As a state of grace, marriage means that we choose to love our spouse in spite of their flaws, warts, and dysfunctions. But grace is more than unconditional acceptance, grace is transformative. In a marriage of grace, two broken people come together to serve each other, help heal each other, and forgive each other. Grace is the secret of a successful marriage. Grace is the willingness to forgive one another seventy times seven.
In premarital counseling through the years, I’ve heard many family “war stories.” Most of the young couples with whom I have counseled come from broken homes. They tell the stories of their parents’ divorce. They fear they will bring their parent’s issues into their marriage. I often affirm that fear and say, “You will bring your parent’s dysfunction into your marriage, unless you choose differently.” So, marriage as a state of transformative grace means that each partner must be open to the fears and concerns of the other. From the brokenness of two homes, a home of grace and love can emerge.
There is another dysfunction that troubles marriages, that is, the culture of objective, casual sex. Marriage is about sex. But, with the flood of pornography and the culture of casual sex, many couples come to marriage with plural prior sexual partners. This immoral dysfunction often poisons the beauty of the sexual act within marriage. Premarital sex is often the seed of later adultery. In many marriages sex has become a point of major contention instead of mutual pleasure. Properly understood, sex is about mutual vulnerability and submission. Therefore, the bedroom must be an emotionally safe place. Otherwise, sex becomes an abusive intrusion.
Marriage is not easy because it often demands that we surrender ourselves to the needs of the other. But that’s what makes marriage an act of Christian love and grace.
