As a pastor of almost 40 years, I can testify that most of the questions that have been asked of me have to do with sex:
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- Is it wrong to masturbate?
- Does the Bible prohibit interracial marriage?
- If it’s wrong to be homosexual, why was I born this way?
- Should we have a baby shower for an unwed mother?
- Must I submit to my husband even when he wants me to do something immoral?
- Should a transgender person be allowed to serve as a greeter in church?
- If polygamy is wrong, why did David have five wives?
- Is abortion wrong in all cases?
- How should we greet homosexual couples that are visiting our church?
- Should I attend a homosexual wedding?
- Why is it wrong to have sex if we’re in love and planning to get married? (The most common question by far.)
Most pastors don’t have adequate training to act as counselors or therapists. And, these questions don’t have easy answers. My first advice for pastors is to recognize when you are dealing with issues beyond your field of expertise and training. When dealing with sexual issues we are dealing with biological, psychological, and spiritual aspects of humanity. Also, there may be legal issues to consider. Have the wisdom to refer people to qualified and licensed Christian counselors who can help. Second, get educated on the issues. What we have done here only scratches the surface. These are important issues and we need to be sure that we are properly informed.
I have found the words of Paul to be very helpful in offering pastoral care.
Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ (Gal 6:1-2).
The goal of all pastoral care is restoration – the healing of the soul. Proper care requires a correct diagnosis of the ailment and proper treatment. We must speak the truth in love. When Jesus talked with the Samaritan woman about her history of divorces and her existing living arrangement with a man not her husband (John 4), he was straightforward, but not aggressive. When the immoral woman washed the feet of Jesus, he graciously forgave her sins (Luke 7).
We must be willing to bear the burdens of the sinful and hear their confessions with compassion and confidentiality. James said, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
We should act as mediators of grace. Jesus said, “If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them” (John 20:23). The apostle John declared, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Every action we take must be for the sake of discipleship and sanctification.
Sometimes, we must rebuke the unrepentant. When King David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had her husband murdered, the Prophet Nathan boldly confronted him and called him to repentance. When men and women of power use their positions of authority to sexually harass or abuse others, they must be confronted. When an adult sexually abuses a child, they must be held accountable. To fail to confront and hold offenders accountable is to become complicit in their sin. Paul publicly rebuked a man in the church at Corinth because of an “immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father’s wife” (1 Cor 5:1). He rebuked the Corinthian church because they tolerated the activity and had become arrogant. Jesus rebuked the church at Thyatira because they tolerated a prophetess named Jezebel as she led the church into sexual immorality (Rev 2:20-23). The refusal to repent of immorality will lead to the judgment of God. Christian clergy should never be complicit in promoting sexual immorality. That includes officiating at a homosexual wedding or tolerating sexual harassment in the church.
Many state governments require clergy to report incidents of sexual abuse and misconduct to law enforcement. The wise pastor will seek legal counsel in such matters. Also, we must have proper policies in place to govern our response. Once a man attended our church and informed me that he had just been released from prison for assaulting a five-year-old boy. He asked, “Am I welcome at this church?” I responded, “Yes you are. But be aware that I will notify our ushers about you and they will shadow you while you are on our property. You will not be allowed any contact with our children and should I discover that you have made contact with any child I will report you to the police.” He never returned. I remained convinced that I acted in the best interest of my congregation.
Be a public witness to the Gospel. Among the most controversial political issues of our day are abortion rights and the LGBTQI movement. The present sexual revolution is a rejection of the Christian vision of humanity. The primary target of this revolution is the cisgendered, heterosexual nuclear family. As Christians we have a responsibility to prophetically speak in favor of the rights of the unborn and to promote our vision of public sexual morality. In so doing we must be “shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matt 10:16). In other words, we must be discerning in our advocacy so that we are careful not to incite oppression and violence towards our opponents. I will continue to advocate for the life of an unborn child (and for the flourishing of all born children) and for marriage laws that reflect orthodox Christian teaching. But I will be careful to do so in a manner that is gracious towards my political opponents. We must recognize the basic civil rights of the homosexual community. We should never be guilty of throwing stones at sinners. Instead, we should be ready to turn the other cheek. We must never forget that we are ambassadors of Jesus Christ and ministers of reconciliation (2 Cor 5).
