I have prayed since I was a child. When I was a child, I prayed like a child. I recall one prayer in which I vowed to God that I would uphold “truth, justice, and the American way” if God would give me the powers of Superman. Other childhood prayers were more serious, like the time I prayed for my brother to come home from the hospital after he suffered an asthma attack.
Prayer has dramatically changed my life. The most important prayer I have ever uttered was in response to an altar call to accept Christ as Lord. At fourteen years old, I knelt at the altar of Bible Baptist Church in Baxley, Georgia and prayed the prayer of salvation. That prayer literally changed my life.
Through the years, prayer has become a more difficult and challenging dimension of my Christian life. Unlike many Pentecostal/Charismatic believers who make bold pronouncements of positive confession and claim the favor of God, my prayers tend to be humble requests, seasoned with tearful skepticism that sometimes blossom into vocal laments.
Yes, I go to God in prayer with doubts born from years of prayer. I confess that as a pastor I often feel the most vulnerable when praying for others. How many times have I sincerely cried out to God to heal someone dying with cancer, only to preach their funeral a few days later? How many times I have prayed with a couple struggling to keep their marriage together, only to witness their divorce and exit from the church? These many unanswered prayers have led to deep disappointment.
So, I struggle to pray and I struggle with prayer. I have a disciplined morning routine of Scripture reading, prayer, and theological/devotional reading. I find it easy to read, but hard to pray. I sometimes cry out, “O God, please don’t let me be like Thomas, full of doubt and skepticism!” I have come to view my prayer time as daily spiritual warfare – me warring against disappointment and doubt. Some would suggest that I’ve lost faith. Maybe. But then again, maybe my daily struggle is an exercise of faith, or faithfulness. After all, Jesus said that we didn’t need great faith, just the faith of a mustard seed.
In my struggle with faith, I have come to treasure two practices – praying the Lord’s Prayer, and praying in the Spirit. Praying the Lord’s Prayer, reflecting on each petition, allowing these words to guide my prayer life has enriched my spirituality. Praying the Lord’s Prayer insures that I am praying with proper motives and priorities. Praying in the Spirit – praying in tongues – allows the opportunity to give voice to the inexpressible burdens of my soul. As the Holy Spirit inspires my praying I am often moved to tears.
I guess that I resist praying the way a small boy resists a bath. Sometimes it seems to be a futile effort. But I know that praying is not futile. Every time I pray I experience cleansing from doubt and disappointment. Every time I pray I sense the presence of God in the midst of my darkness. So, even though I may struggle, I will pray.
